Monday, January 16, 2012

خواب می دیدم

خواب می دیدم
 
 

 
حافظ که زلف سخن شانه می زد
خواب می دیدم
جعبه می دیدم:     -- اتاق
                       -- زنگ
                       -- پیچ راه پله
در نقاب، رخ اندیشه می دیدم
" از پیچ راه پله که بالا آمدی یادت هست؟ "
اول و آخر، اسم تو می دیدم
"یادت هست پیچش چشمهایت به خم کمرم که پله پله پله ..."
نفس می دیدم
" یادت هست پیچشم را به چشمهایت"
پیچ پیچ پله می دیدم
نقاب رخ اندیشه گشوده
خواب می دیدم که پس پشت پرده های پر رنگ
دلم پر پر می زد
خوابم پر پر می زد
چشمم به پلک چشمهایت پر می زد
نقاب می زد،
اندیشه می زد
پشت در می زد
پس خم کمرم،
                   -- می زد!
و من سر زلف پیچ پیچم ...
خواب می دیدم
همیشه اسم تو بود
اسم تو خواب می دیدم
اسم تو خواب
و جعبه سحر آمیز اول و آخر حرفم ، جعبه اول می دیدم
آخر تو می دیدم
حرف می دیدم
و دست خطی که می شناختم از لحظه ی اصابت گلهای کمرنگ لاله
و خطی که می شناختم از لحظه ی اتاق سرد نارس ها
و خطی که می شناختم از لحظه ی پشت در
و خطی که می شناختم از
" تو پیچ پیچ زلفم را می پیچاندی!"
خواب می دیدم!
بس که اسم تو را خواب می دیدم اسم تو را می خواب تو را اسم می دیدم
و خط تو را بس می دیدم
نگاه کردی! : اسم تو را می خوابیدم!
مثل سر بالایی شادی که می لرزیدم، می دیدم
نگاه کردی
بو کردم -- نپرسیدم!
نگاه کردی!
بس که اول و آخر اسم می خواندم
حرف خواب می دیدم!
و نفسهام بوی تو را، می دیدم!
خواب نفسهای تو می داد، را خواب می دیدم
و نفس های تو را می بردم
بوی خواب می دادم!
پس پلکهای پر پرم...
____ + _____ + _____ + _____
باران می آمد
کسی به پله ها نگاه نکرد
 باد می آمد
کسی به پلکهای پر از پله های پر پیچ نگاه نکرد!
____ + _____ + ____ + _____
حافظ از اندیشه نقاب برداشت!
نگاهم کردی!
بوی نفسم را می دیدم
گفتی بر می گردی که پیراهنت را بر دری از پیشم و من اول و آخرت نام می کردم!
گفتی شب،
گفتی وقتی پله ها تا سر زلفت می پیچند
گفتی همچنان پر پر بزنم به آرزوی پله هایی که پر پیچ از پس خمشان پیدا می شوی!
"پیدا می شوی؟"
گفتم: " ..."
و اول و آخر نفسم را هاه می کردم
خواب می دیدم!
____ + _____ + _____ + _____
و آن شب با حلقه ی انگشترت
            با جعبه ای که نوشته هایش را از زمان اصابت گلهای لاله پر پر می کردم
            با پیراهنت که پیش رویم پیچم می داد به سان پله های شبانه
بدون تأخیر پرواز کردم!
خواب می دیدم!
از پس رخ اندیشه نقاب می دیدم
پس خوابم، زلف اندیشه می دیدم
____ + _____ + ______ + _____
باران می آمد
پله ها پیچ نداشت
کمرم خم پیچ پله پنهان نداشت
و نمی توانستم بگویم: "خواب می دیدم!"
پنحم اما پرسیدم از اندیشه "..."
سر زلفش را کجا حافظ بگشاد که پیچ پیچش پس خم پله پیچیدم؟
پنهان اما پرسیدم ...
____ + _____ + _____ + ______
خواب می دیدم


۲۳ فوریه ۲۰۱۱
پروشات کلامی

 
 
 "کس چو حافظ نگشاد از رخ اندیشه نقاب/ تا سر زلف سخن را به قلم شانه زدند"



Tuesday, May 24, 2011

گفتم

گفتم


گفتم همه چیز
گفتم آن دختر ها
گفتم کوچه ها
گفتم میان تاکسی، اتوبوس، و آن مار مارپیچ سیاه که با خاطره هایم پیچ نمی خورد، اما...
 آن هم!
گفتم: ---------- 
، این بار صفحه ی تلفن چرخید
+ + + 
حلقه ی چشمم چرخید و شماره ای را نگرفتم
این بار گفتم: ---------
گفت هفت روز هست که خیابان ها مثل دو سال پیش 
... این بار انگشتها یم برای شمردن اینهمه خاطره ی نیست کم آمد اما 
 آن هم!  
 گفتم: راه می روی، آن هم !
گفتم با چرخشی که در خاطره هایم نیست، بدون سیم، اما آن هم! 
... گفتم: لیلا، سعید، و باقی آنچه که صدایم دیگر در نمی آید که از وسط این صفحه ی چرخان
! گفت: ۱۰۰ سال پیش دلم سوخت!
 یادش رفت, 
 گفت! 
+ + +
... گفتم آن دختر های رنگی با ابرو هایی که اخم نمی شوند 
-- این بار خاطره ی پر چروک دختر های سیاه و سفیدم را شماره نمی گیرم. 
 این بار گفت چه رنگ های بی خط و چینی, 
 گفتم: آن هم! 
 گفت: پیر شدند، همه پیر شدند! 
-- و انگشتهایم برای شمارش خاطره های نیستم پیچ می خورند
 گفتم اما آن هم!  
گفت آن دختر زیبای فامیل که چشمهایش مثل پری رویا هایم بود
آن دختر دیگر فامیل که چشمهایش مثل مخمل لباس عروسکم بود
 گفتم نیستن آن را هم، این بار، آن هم!  
گفت همان دو سال پیش!
+ + + 
 و من تا کلاس اول، زنگ آخر، و ماشین میان میدان احتشامیه را هم ...
صندلی عقب، و صدای سیب نیم شده، میان خاطره های نیستم ام!
+ + + 
انگشت کم آوردم! 


پروشات کلامی
آدینه ۲۱ ماه مه دو هزار و یازده میلادی 
انگلستان 
Proshot Kalalmi 
Loughborough Uni, 20 May 2011 Friday... 

Monday, March 21, 2011

How I Did Not Die in Delhi


How I Did Not Die in Delhi
Or
The Art of Writing a Menu
 Part III
You want to trade in your freedom of choice? This is the best place for you to get trained on that. You may very well achieve this relatively challenging goal! It is really amazing that as soon as you assert a simple and ordinary desire, demand, or any wish of yours in any shape or form, all sorts of barriers and road blocks appear from all sorts of places and people: starting from the door man, the cleaners, the taxi driver to people you may happen to be involved with directly or indirectly. At times a passerby who does not know you, has no idea what and who you are, where you are coming from and exactly what the purpose of your entire existence might be, will take up the responsibility of deciding what you should need!  If one day you decide to happily eat some bread and drink a cup of tea, your neighbours, the taxi driver that you have hired, the guy who cleans the room, the guard who stands by the door, the waiter, the chef, all and all will tell you that you should not have bread with tea! What blasphemy, only bread?! It cannot happen! That is all? How could you? You will tell them of course that all you need is that light cup of tea and a simple piece of bread with absolutely no addition. They will argue with you that first of all that is not enough for a person like you—in my case, I am sure my horizontally well-endowed physique may deceive them into making such a judgement. But I have noticed that this sort of caring attitude is often given to everybody without any discrimination—that, it is not good to have too much tea and that on an empty stomach, hey Raam Raam! These extremely caring people who want to do the work of your brain for you and relieve you from the burden of thinking and deciding for yourself will indeed give you all the reasons under the sky why you should not have that simple piece of bread with that cup of tea—that by now is completely cold! It is not that “I” do not enjoy eating various types of food and indulge in culinary variety! Quite the contrary! In fact, the most exciting parts of my life are, one way or the other, related to food. But for some reason I do not quite enjoy the constant burning sensation that begins from the tip of my tongue, runs through my stomach and intestine, all the way to the finish line of the digestive system. There have been many long and seemingly endless hours of night that I have had to spend in the bathroom of our room at JNIAS, all alone with our toilet seat (that was half broken in such a way that you would have the feeling that you are sliding off of the seat, until we decided to pay our dear Pundit geek a handsome 1500 rupees, out of our own pocket, to buy a new seat and allow our digestive system to deal with slightly less excitement, the burning apart!) and just do “OO, AA” as and when the army of semi digested spices and chillies passed through alleys of my entrails! It all started with a packet of pre-cooked Saag Paneer! Back in Berkeley, I used to get these Saag Paneer packs from our one and only Trader Joe’s, heat them up and have them with either bread or rice. I was a happy gal with just that! In a nostalgic moment, during one of my trips to the local super market, I decided to get some Saag Paneer (which I did), whistling and happy. The pack was immediately opened upon arrival at home, put in the micro, heated up enough, put on the table with some slices of brown bread and some lovely yogurt. The first bite of bread and Saag that went down my throat left such a deep impression that suddenly the Trader Joe’s memory part of my past was wiped out in a jiffy! In fact, even now, I have to think really hard to remember the feeling of gastronomic satisfaction, since all of that now is replaced by the painful residue of internal blisters and burns! Sadly and after sincere negotiation with my intestines—in particular— and many trial and error sessions—my digestive system and I tried Chinese (which has nothing to do with Chinese food you may know), different types of vegetarian Mughlai kababs, Punjabi dishes, Italian (do not recommend it to any one, even my enemies!), South Indian (although I must say, I give my life, forget about my intestines, for their Sambar and no matter how many hours I have to sit on that sliding seat in that miserable bathroom in JNIAS, I would sit and go through 5 bowls of Sambar in no time with absolutely no remorse or regret), even Japanese—I decided to give up on my gastronomic greed and become a Sadhu in the belly part of my life—kicking and screaming! Those who know me, can understand what an enormous sacrificial task it must have been for me! Hence the parable of the bread and the tea!
Back to the practice of giving up your freedom of choice: You THINK that by insisting and repeating your wish they have understood you finally—this process may take any time between 45 minutes to half a day, depending on who is in your company and what sort of relationship you have with those people; the closer they are to you—or the closer they feel they are to you, although you may have just met them and may have no intention to meet them ever again—the longer the process. It is quite probable, in fact possible that 30 minutes—this is an absolute optimistic estimate of time, at times even a fantasy, since time here works on a different scale. In fact I have noticed that 2 minutes can often take about 30 to 45 minutes. So you may want to readjust your idea of time!—later, a dish of chicken surfaces on your table. Then you will tell them—as I have done many times—that you are a humble vegetarian and are not necessarily quite pleased by the sight of this dead bird on your table and cannot digest this heavy and oily and greasy and thick spicy stew in which the poor bird is drowned, any way! You may even be brave enough to say that you hate that dish—which is very impolite! Then, may gods help you, because that whole army who opposed your simple demand of just a piece of bread, will reprimand you because you failed to let them know that you just want a piece of bread! How could you be, you will be told, so negligent towards yourself while misleading others! As a vegetarian you should know better that you must inform people, who by the way just want to be helpful and serve you, what your wishes and desires are!!!
This is how I decided to get my own food and eat it as and when I want, as opposed to ordering it! Then I discovered frozen bread at this super market chain that sells its product at prices higher than even Tesco—but you have no other option basically and must submit yourself to whatever they offer you at any price they have stamped there! So there you have it. This is the cost of “relative” freedom of choice you may earn at the end.  And this is how the frozen Paratha entered my life and became my major food source for the better part of the 5 months (out of the 6 long months). This Paratha I am talking about is an interesting phenomenon. You have to take it out of the packet while it is still frozen and heat it on a frying pan. Mind you, if you use bare hands you need to wash the oil—coming out of the bread—off of your fingers for some time with a strong soap under warm water to make sure anything you touch would not slip out of your hand and fingers! The instruction on the sealed package says use oil to fry it. Of course, I never do, in fact, after the bread is done, I usually make egg white omelette in the already greasy and oily pan. I know it is not scientifically right, but I think by now I have established this fact that basically 6 months ago I kissed science and health awareness and those sort of things, good bye! It was a long, painful and rather tolling separation session, but we came to this realistic understanding that we cannot be together while I am in Delhi. So it was best, we thought, to say good bye while we still had good memories of each other and could look back and remember the past with a smile! You know… very understanding! Then I had to think creatively about the most fun part of my life; eating! After submitting to eat only canned spinach and canned string beans—among all the varieties of green vegetables—and Nestlé yogurt and sliced cheese from Amul—an Indian dairy company—my luxurious menu here, for the better part of the past 6 months ended up looking like this:
·      Cheese Slice (the lowest quality you can imagine) on Bread,
·      Bread and Yogurt,
·      Canned Spinach on Bread
·      Egg white on Bread
·      Bread with Diet Coke (and those of you who know me, you know that I really dislike soda drinks),
·      Bread with Vegetable Broth (that I usually do not use due to its highest amount of sodium and additives and preservatives),
·      Bread with Potato,
·      Bread with Paneer (that almost always will give me a lot of stomach pain due to overdose of spices in the preparation).
And finally:
·      Bread on Bread
As long as I followed this voluptuous menu, I was the happiest because I knew that I do not have to pay for whatever I had later by the currency of the Loo or over worked nervous system for transmitting too many pain and burn signals to the brain, hence causing many many many LONG sleepless nights. In all those long sleepless nights, I had two very close and dear friends who never left my side. One was my German bottle of Underberg—this thing is really German, I did my research and could not find any single connection to India, unlike Swan Lake and Faust who both are fake cultural products—and the other our old and famous Nabat Daagh—crystal sugar dissolved in hot water, the Persian magical remedy that can cure almost any problem, from stomach ache, diarrhoea, headache all the way to depression and nervous breakdown—and I swear by it and no one, absolutely no one can say anything negative about this magnificent remedy. Just a few drops of Underberg in a can of diet Coke or a large mug of Nabat-Daagh would sooth my poor tummy to a great extend. We did spend a lot of time together, come to think of it, Underberg and I. In fact, right now that I am typing, sitting on the bed in room 103 of JNIAS, there is a glass of Nabat-Daagh with Underberg by my side and every single sip from it, brings back a sparkle of life to my eyes…

Sitting in a Café in Calcutta, Bitching about Delhi!


This Much Support!
OR
Sitting in a Café in Calcutta, Bitching about Delhi!
parts I& II

My stay in Delhi during the last 6 months of 2010 (and the most unfortunate 15 young days in 2011) is coloured by—perhaps I should use the word mar rather than colour, since I really want to bitch about it in this missive—so many different variables, diverse, unexpected, disastrous and at times quite disgusting varieties that it took me exactly 6 LONG months to digest the whole experience in such a way that I finally find myself capable of writing about it!  In the innocent animal terminology for this, I suppose I would be chewing the cud or regurgitating, you choose the word option that sounds more pleasant to your, umm, ears!
Another reason to maintain my silence about this has been the fact that if I write what the reality of my stay here has been like, then it may, I have explicitly been told, contribute to the negative sentiment that my be out there against this country! Well, while that is not and has never been my intention I cannot be but honest—and at times with a pinch of irony and a bit of laugh to make the whole situation bearable—in reflecting on what I went through and felt. There is an urge in me to write and share but at the same time there is a force that has so far ever so successfully stopped me from writing all these funny, sad, splendid and at times simply ordinary moments…
I am going through a Tintin-esque moment actually—if such a term exists at all (if it doesn’t, well, now it does)! Which shoulder to turn my head to and which voice to listen to??? I am sure you remember the famous Miloo/Snowy, Tintin’s dog who always had a hard time choosing between his two inner voices of good and evil, represented by an angelic conscience-dog and a red devil-dog hovering over his two shoulders! I feel exactly like that poor creature at the moment and am not sure which voice to listen to. There should have been a third conscience dog, a naughty one, to whom I could have listened all the time, with no guilt or remorse! 
Anyway, almost at the end of the 6-month fellowship and I am still here to tell the story! Triumphant and alive, and (surprisingly still) breathing against all odds—or rather against all those polluting agents floating in the troposphere of Delhi—and towards the last few hours of this ominous fellowship, I have also braved my pen—well in this case the keyboard!—to boot!
I have to give the credit for such inspiration to the place that invited me in the first place and awarded me the honour of this blessed fellowship! I have to praise the level of support I have received here as a fellow! Did I tell you what forced my hand to sign this contract with Mephisto (had no clue that the guy lived in Delhi!). Up until July of 2010, my belief was that Mephisto was a German fellow who got on Faust’s nerves and the rest is a long and boring morality play! Umm, I digress. Do forgive me, I should have started with this initial and vital piece of information, rather than rambling on about insignificant issues, such as the level of pain and my frail and disturbed digestive system and so on and so forth! My absent-mindedness is all due to the habits I have picked up through osmosis from this ever-nourishing environment. One of the very first lessons I learnt was: if you (dare to) wish to carry a conversation, you always start from the middle, and in such a way that no one knows what exactly you are talking about. This will make it easier for others to butt in at any point, and that too with absolutely irrelevant incursions. Because, they do it any way, so why bother to carry on having a coherent conversation. You see, the logic works perfectly! Anyway. We were talking about my contract and how the German play was actually an Indian one and it was I who didn’t know! 
It all started about a year and a half ago when I felt the absolute need to get focused and finish my book and start on an important line of research that had turned into a nagging demand in the subconscious of my academic life and my income level! So, I looked heaven and high to see where I can find a supportive fellowship that would accommodate my rather humble needs for a short period of time, i.e., a 3 to 6 month residency and/or fellowship. Found one that could work for me in terms of time schedule and familial planning, rather smoothly. My husband was supposed to be in Delhi during his sabbatical in the second half of 2010 and the fellowship I found could complement that and allow me to be in Delhi—whence the familial planning –thus providing me with an ideal time/situation to finish my work. That is how my relationship with JNIAS—even typing these letters sends a shiver down my spine, which actually is in pain because of months of sitting at a chair that is more of a high chair and a desk that is more a coffee table! Back to JNIAS. This acronym is a short form for the much larger of Jawaharlal Nehru Institute of Advance Study—another misleading factor here is that there was no mention of Germanic legends, plays or even Faust himself! They are very advanced in their system of support which most of the times boils down to systematic effort in stopping any research and study from being conducted in any form or shape with relative ease. I must give it to them and be fair to their advanced-ness! 
Where were we? Oh yes, so I got it… the fellowship that is! I was happy, my husband was happy, my Head of the Department in the UK was happy, my CV was happy and I kept thinking about the next REF (Research Excellence Framework—ok, you are not supposed to know every acronym that is out there, are you?! Just to give you a clue, in the UK this acronym decides what my rank and salary would be like in the next 4 years based on my level of success in begging for money and selling myself as a scholar, researcher, educator, and artist! Whatever…) and those few extra pounds (not of flesh, but sterling!) that would be deposited into my slim bank account. That account is the only slim element in my life at this time and unlike other fashionable slim things, I am not at all proud of it and tend not to discuss it in public! However, if it was my waistline—alas it isn’t—I would have written pages upon pages about it. Sigh….
So just before our departure there was a sense of jubilation at the department, because I had received two fellowships—I shall not be talking about the second one here. That is a whole different story that concerns me and my husband, who happens to be a colleague at the department. I know, quite convenient you may say, but I say, you know, there would be less spice to the element of gossip, which is one of the fundamental ingredients of academic life! Things can get really boring!—and my colleagues were telling me that I will come back with finished projects, that I need not worry about marking and other sundry admin duties. I felt for a few days like an enviable celebrity, thinking Delhi, the capital, is full of computer and cyber geeks, which means we will have high quality internet connectivity and all sorts of digital access at the top notch university of India, JNU! I should have guessed that Indian geeks are all living outside India or are mainly born to Indian parents who have already left India and therefore only look Indian—perhaps that was the reason why nothing, almost absolutely, quite certainly nothing really worked the way they should have! In fact, the person who, after 2 weeks of wonderment, helped us with our computer issues was this Pundit jee (whose real job, you expect, would be to sit down all day long and recite from the Hindu scriptures for the salvation of others... but again, wrong!) who apparently did not have any formal education, and most definitely not in networking and/or in the realm of the word wide web. So, we ended up with a Pundit-geek who guessed and consulted the universe and the stars for fixing our electronic and cyber issues. Not bad to start with, eh?
Way before such illuminations were thrust upon me, back in the UK, I was still in preparation mode.  To make myself adequately compatible with what I thought (ever so naïvely, now that I am thinking…) their level would be, I undertook a massive preparatory project: digitising almost all my references and bibliography, scanning them into neat e-files in my India folder, some times working all night long…. It took me a good part of 15 days to finish all the scanning those endless pages in a tiny scanning room we have at our university, cramming them into a slim CD. I was so ready to hit the ground and write!
Not privy to all this, we landed in a pre-Commonwealth Games New Delhi—we will get to the subject of Commenwealth Games later on—and were brought to the JNIAS building and our two rooms. Here, I need some visuals to help you understand the depth of our experience. You need to somehow see exactly what the expressions on our faces were like, upon entering the rooms and exploring them! Since there are no visuals here to support my confessions, I have to assist your imagination and wistfully hope that you are blessed with an overactive one! Suppose that you hate the taste of sour lemon in your mouth—I realise, that might be a bit challenging for some of you out there. I for one love anything sour, so such a task would be strictly against my constitution. But for the sake of writing and creation and arts and… oh, whatever…, just imagine, ok? Good. Imagine that someone suddenly without your knowledge has shoved the better half of a large lemon into your mouth and is squeezing it firmly, so that you get all the sour juice on top of the bitter taste of the zest. Ok, now go and take a look at your face in the mirror. I hope the result is a completely squished face with all sorts of lines cracking from around the eyes, mouth and cheeks. The face should be so pressed that your facial muscles start to hurt. That is exactly how we looked like and felt at that revealing moment of discovery in our JNIAS rooms. 
The room that they had prepared for a 6-month long residency of a single (more than often a western foreigner) scholar consisted of a large and big bed with two pillows—the pillow, generally a very individual item, at JNIAS is a collective one—in the truest sense of the word). It was through an intimate, nocturnal experience that we found out that we are not exactly alone in that bed. In fact we, along with our fellow crawling pillow-mates were enjoying a historical palimpsest of marks left by other occupant over years, if not decades. One thing that has remained a mystery to this day is the fact that how come there were urine stains on the pillows that were mainly used by fellow adults! As far as I could remember, it has always been, or at least till that illuminating moment of discovery, that babies would pee on things like pillows and cushions; a joyous infantile experience that I am sure we all have witnessed or even, perhaps, contributed to! Since we really cherish our privacy, and as much as we would like to be sociable, we came to this realisation that having historical palimpsests on our pillows was a bit too much for us! Hence, the immediate and urgent purchase of 4 new, soft and shining and, of course, non-palimpsestic (!) pillows with no history or traumatic past attached to (or living in them) was on order. Finally, with our nocturnal privacy and comfort restored, we expected to enjoy a better quality of our now modern life! 
Historical values seemed to be cherished deeply at JNIAS. There was this odd-shaped desk on which sat a computer belonging to the middle-ages, covered with 5 millimetres of dust. It usually took the computer about 30 to 45 minutes to wake up and run and then opening any internet page (if you were lucky to have any success in getting online at all, that is) would normally take anywhere between 10 minutes to 1 hour. Downloading was of course a function that we tried to forget and only talk about occasionally, as a matter of nostalgic yearning. Some folders where in Russian, some German and few in French, dregs and traces of previous fellows who once upon a time visited and had stayed in those hallowed precincts. This, of course, I am sure you realise, strongly supported our theory of “history fetish” at this blessed place. Soon we decided to give up on our computers and donated them to our Pundit geek, who in turn dumped the poor machines in a storage room with a broken window, facing the forest… nonetheless carefully tagged and I wonder at times if they will be resuscitated at some future date!
Among other furniture pieces that stood waiting for us in our room were a flimsy coffee table, two chairs and a two-seater, with living things in their cushions (no surprise given how their cousin pillows were!)—this last piece of information was a later discovery that of course required a few hours of sitting and the exposure of the warmth of our backsides to the cushions. After discovering bite marks and all sorts of rashes on our thighs and bottoms did we come to this realisation that we were, indeed, blessed with roommates, and that too, carnivorous ones! This notion of the collective within our living environment is an important factor that most of us have forgotten to consider! I mean, what is wrong with sharing with others and enjoying the company of others around you 24/7? While I can see the virtue in that, somehow I fail to see the virtue in sharing my blood with some blood-sucking insects who do not have the courtesy of coming out to at least say HI to those of us who are visiting their country! You know what I mean? What is happening to our world? I must tell you that I have little tolerance for any form of impolite behaviour and since these little creatures rubbed me the wrong way, I went ahead and purchased many carcinogenic insect sprays and attacked the cushions with 4 cans. I think I picked up some of the content of the cans myself—the value of sharing I was talking about—while feeding my new roommates. After refusing to sit on any surface that is not either rock or covered with layers of newspaper, I realised that we need to buy some throws which apparently are softer than rock and do a better job than newspapers in posing a barrier between the stings and our helpless, innocent posteriors—at least the white throws we later bought did not leave the mark of newspaper headlined on the back of my trousers!
Oh, how I love my throws! I bought them from this dangerous place called Fabindia! The way it works is very much the way the Swan Lake works. This is yet another point that I did not know! All my life, even when I was a student of classical music at the conservatory since the age of 5, I was told that Swan Lake has its roots in Germanic or, as some believe, in Slavic legends. I had no clue that it was actually an Indian fabrication by no other than Fabindia! I’ll tell you why—when you go to a Fabindia store, a well-dressed and smiling doorman opens the door for you. Immediately, you feel special. Right at the door there are many displays of some majestic silk material with legendary prints on them that you would probably make you doubt if you are actually at the right place! Then you remember that you have to calm yourself down and buy something that you can put between yourself and your blood-sucking roommates. So you start to roam about. In no time, you will completely forget why you were there and want to posses almost every single item they have on display and, of course, they have more than millions of beautiful objects of desire to lure you and take you farther away from your one and only requisite, that simple cotton throw! From handmade silk purses to rugged jute or cotton bags, from table sets and bedcovers, from scents and essential oils to cutlery and furniture, all and all are set there to tempt you with their colours, prints, shapes, shades and fragrance. Somehow, an agent of the evil sorcerer has handed you a shopping basket before you knew it—you almost want to own even that over-used shopping basket, it is that cute—and in no time the basket is full of all that you really do not need. Since some items have some price tags and some don’t, and all have MRP or IRP written on them—acronyms that will take you about 2 months to figure out—and you do not carry a calculator to convert those small, tiny, almost invisible numbers to Pounds or Dollars, you are doomed to remain in total oblivion—little do you know that the price of each item that you have chosen requires droplets of blood from your slim and anaemic bank account which is fated to shrink into size ZERO, an ideal shape, but quite unhealthy in more than philosophical terms—until that Tintin-esque moment arrives and you realise that there is a white angelic dog on one of your shoulders who is persistently reminding you: “You were only looking for a throw…” etc., etc. But the shopping bag they have given you is already heavy and one other assistant of the evil sorcerer in sales representative disguise comes and gets it from you to take it to the payment counter for you. The guy behind the cash machine tells you that he will keep your items for you. They are yours! Another representative takes you to where the throws are and you find your breathtakingly beautiful sheer throws with off white prints on them. You touch them and they feel you. Ah, what bliss! In that moment of joy and ecstasy, suddenly another sales rep of the evil sorcerer comes to give you the total of you purchase! That is the moment of devastation when you realise that you have gone (way) over your budget and you must abandon your one and only sheer throw. You have been tricked by Odile’s magic and now you must abandon Odette! But how can you?! 
I told you, didn’t I! This is all a Swan Lake-ean conspiracy and I call it utter, sheer deception of my throbbing heart! Since I knew the plot, although completely shaken by this revelation—that Swan Lake, like Faust has its origins in India—I was able to put myself together and ask the boy—with a broken heart—to cancel the first order. And then bravely, took the 4 throws I so ardently loved, paid for them and came out. We have been together ever since! This place, this trap that is infested with all sorts of luring items—that are so beautiful, so beautiful and I so badly want them all—is called Fabindia, the cradle of Swan Lake! But since my throws and I have a very understanding relationship, after talking things over and after some time, we agreed that I can (and I did) visit Fabindia quite frequently and ended up possessing some of its finest items. In fact, I got many of their items for my friends and relatives as well. They are all now infected by the Swan Lake-ean fever of Fabindia!
We almost bought a bookshelf from Fabindia, for there was no trace of a single rack of a bookshelf in our rooms at JNIAS. Upon this latest discovery, I was suddenly overjoyed to remember those long hours spent in scanning all those documents. There was a TV set in our rooms with a cable box, which refused to work in the first few weeks—crying for their caretaker, our Pundit geek. The sound level of the TV was either terribly low—so low that you had to attach at least one of your ears to the side speaker and forget about viewing any image—or made you sit back and try to guess and lip-read the Hindi-speaking person on the screen. Oh, and there was another smaller desk in the room with a chair. The chair was bigger than the leg space of the desk and there was no way according to any law of physics that you—or any other creature on planet earth—could squeeze the chair in. So, in order to use the chair and the desk together, you would need to be sitting on the chair and extend your whole upper body towards the desk in order to reach the edge of the surface of the table. Go figure….
At the beginning we did not talk about these things to each other. I was thinking that I am a snob and should not complain, after all there are people living on this planet who have achieved splendid heights with 10% of what was available to us. This was while my husband would think that he should not complain or he would be judged as someone who has forgotten his origin and has turned to a snob, marrying a foreigner! But one day, I think, after not being able to go online for 7 days we started to crack! How did we live before this lovely seductive, lucrative, sexy, smooth and supper speedy phenomenon called high-speed internet connection came into being?

Monday, October 04, 2010

شقیقه های اورینتال با عین

شقیقه های اورینتال با عین


شعرم  فکر سقفی است که هنوز هم کج می ریزد
و گوشه های حافظ که به شدت میتپد
فکر شقیقه هایی که می ریزد، مثل تلافوذ اورینتال با عین و کمی حذف.
مثل سیاهی قشر لذت بخش فلفل و خوراک کادو و خیلی چیز های دیگر.
- نامش چه بود؟ ............  (هنوز هم آیا آشپز خانه ی شما را عطر ان کادو ها با قشر لذت بخشی از تو و من؟( 
- آری هنوز هم!
 
* * *

اینجا نمی دانم کجا ضمیر من است
فقط جای دوم شخص مفرد را می دانم که اول شخص همه ام شده است

* * *

شعرم فکر سقفی است که هنوز هم کج می ریزد،
و صدای خوشایند قل خوردن خورده های فرش میان لوله جارو و یاد گوشه های دستم
فکر شقیقه های اورینتال با توازی ابرو های عریانی به سبک شرق، کج،
و سیم های فر فری به سبک قشر لذت بخشی که زبانم را فقط تو می دانی زبانم را فقط تو زبانم
شعر م فکر ظرافت انگشتهایی است که کشیده می شوند و پهلوی من کش می آید، به سمت آسمان کش می آید ، به سمت تو
فکرم شرق شقیقه هایی است که هیچگاه غروب نمی کنند و من بلندی ام به سقف می ساید به توازی اورینتال ابرو های عریانت
و فکر سایش وحشیانه ای است که سبک ندارد،
و گوشه هایی که هی می آیند و در آمدنشان چیزی است که فقط تو می دانی و تو و ضمیری که من نمی دانم
آنجا که حافظه ی بغلم گوشه هایش را حفظ شده بود
همان جا که ضمیرم با ضمیرت ممزوج می شود و یک چیزی می آید که نه تو می دانی و نه من
دانستنش مثل لذت قشر فلفل است و بوی کدو و اتاقی که هنوز کج است، حتی با چوب های عریان نو
مثل تحمل سیم فر داری که روز هاست سکوت سکه می زند
فکرم حافظه ی شبکه سرخی است که از گوشه های مورب شرق، نازل می شود 
و در ریختنش چیزی است که عریانیش را تو نمی دانی و من می دانم و من
فکر همان گوشه های شخصی من است که نمی گویم به ضمیر دوم شخص تو


۱۳۶۷-- ژانویه ۲۰۰۰
دیویس ، کالیفرنیا
پروشات کلامی
     


مسامات شرق یا چشم های مورب!

مسامات شرق یا چشم های مورب!

مسامات شرق یا چشم های مورب!


از زمانی که تو به  چیز های دیگر تشبیه شدی، ریزش مسامات من افتتاح شد
مثل ریشهای شقه  و شاهراه های مردمی به تقدیر قرون وسطایی
مثل " بغلیدن"
مثل چادر سیاه که سبک هم نیست
و نماد تاریخی هم نیست
و من وارد حوزه ی هیچ چیزی با سبکی اش نمی شوم
* * *

از زمانی که بغلیدن را به خنده های پشت میز کافه تاتر تشبیه می کنم
می گویم! گاهی هم نمی گویم!
و جوابت را به ترجمه تشبیه می کنم، که: انسان عبارت است از موجودی با نسوجی که قایم می کند... و من سر هر بندش سرفه ام می گیرد!
* * *

تو مرا در تاکسی با دهاشمهای موربت شقه کردی
 وقتی جویدی ام، فکر کردی به  ترجمه ام از آخرین تکه؟
و اینکه نسج من فقط ریزش مسامات تو را میخواند؟
این هیچ دخالتی درتقدیر قرون وسطی نیست!
                                                       -- آخرین تکه را قورت نده!
این پیشرفت فلسفی جویدن مسامات من است وقتی با یک چیز بی کران، فرد خاص بودم!
با آن قیافه ی مخصو ص مسامات جاری
با ریشهای شقه و شاهراه های مردمی.
ترجمه ام چطور است؟
* * *

رنسانس ماه گذشته، تو رابه صورت فردی خاص مطرح کرد
اما در تاکسی بود که با چشم های مورب به سبک آن شاعر عجیب که چشمهای موربی داشت و اسمش هم خاطرم نیست، جویدی ام!
رمز گشایی تو آنجاست که بگویند ترجمه ام چطور است.
این مجموعه ی پیچیده طوری به طرف قرون وسطی می پیچد که دست هیچ شوهری قیچی نمی شود
و این رد تشابه است به طور کامل، به نقل از فوکو!
می دانم استاد خواهد گفت میشل فوکو به استبداد رنگ معتقد است، اما چادر سیاه من را وارد هیچ حوزه ای نمی کند.
من ترجمه ی تشبیهش را می گویم که هر کدام لهجه ای خاص دارد با گوشه های لبم!
اما... نسج من فقط ریزش مسامات تو را می خواند.

تهران ۱۳۷۵





Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ناقوس آروو* با حاشیه ی طلایی

ناقوس آروو*  با حاشیه ی طلایی 



می پیچم می پیچم و در پیچیدنم چیزی از شمن سه شب پیشم می ریزد
ناقوس می پیچم!
می پیچم به چم هر زخمه ی "عزیزم" اش
می پیچم در سر هر پیچ دامنم که چرخ چرخ به چرخ "عزیزم" اش
( در این کانتوس* هیچ صدایی نیست( )
( در این ناقوس فقط حاشیه های طلایی است و گردی دامنم( )
می گردم به گرداگرد حلقه ای که دور می زندم در این کشاکش "عزیز"
( چرا گفت؟ چرا؟( )
ناقوس می چرخم !
می چرخم می چرخم در هر گردونه ی دامن وار شمن هر شبه ام !

* * *
می پیچم!
دامنم را چنان جمع می کنم که از جمعم جدا نشوی
می چرخم
ناقوس می گردم
می ریزم به سبک  گرد شدن پایین دامنم، آنجا که حاشیه ای طلایی دارد و تو نمی بینی
تو هرگز نمی بینی!
(چرا گفت: " عزیزم"؟(

* * *
ناقوس را دو گاه می زنند حتی اگر حاشیه ی طلایی هم داشته باشد
-- من را زدند!

* * *

می پیچم با پیچیدن Arvo
می پیچم با گیج رفتن Arvo
نمی دانستم که چرا چگونه می شود آیا مگر پس چه شد؟
(گفت: عزیزم!(      
-- من را زدند!

* * *

ولی اگر در مردن من نا مرگی تو باشد، من باشم و تو باشیدنت نبودنم باشد،
ولی اگر در چرخیدن من، ماندن چرخان تو باشد به چنبره ی گفتنش
ولی اگر در پیچیدن من ماندن پیچان تو باشد به عزیزم اش...
نمی دانستم که چرا چگونه می شود آیا مگر پس چه شد؟

ناقوس می پیچم با چرخیدن Arvo

دامن می گسترانم به گستره ی ماندگاری بودنش      -------           - برو!
دامن می چرخانم چنان که هیچ چرخنده ای میان من باشم و تو باشی ما نباشد      -----        - برو!
دامن اگر بچرخانم از چم رانم به ان سوی این چرخ دور که در خام پیچش اش تو گفتی "عزیزم" ، بوی هرجایی ات گیج می رود.

برو!

_______________________________________________________________

* A cantus mainly involves singing traditional songs. They usually have easy and familiar melodies
* Arvo Pärt born in Paide, Estonia, on 11 September 1935. That means he celebrates his 75th birthday today. Maestro Pärt has been composing music since the 1950s
 
 ________________________________________________________
پروشات کلامی
دهلی نو
۲۸ سپتامبر ۲۰۱۰

Sunday, September 26, 2010

مرهم می زدی مادر?

 مرهم می زدی مادر?



مادر، کفترت لب پله ها که نشست دست هایش را دست گرفتی،
دستهایت را مادر دیده بودم که چطور... باز دیده بودم،
مرهم دوباره ی دست هایت را می گویم
دیده بودم
مادر مرهم روحم باش باز مثل آن وقت که بودی
  مادر دست های نبودنت هم مرهم است، مادر!
+ + +

آبی پوشیده بود، هر سه بار
سه بار آمد
سه بار دیدم
 - آبی زنگاری بود؟
آبی بود مادر
با آبی رفت مادر
مادر، رفتنش بی آبی می زند به روحم
مادر سه بار
مادر از میان  قطره های زنگارم، چشمم نم می زند به روحم
مادر بیا از میان تو باشم
،مادر نگاهم، بیا، باشم
+ + +

مادر خسته بودی؟ مادر پر هایت را گشودی به آسمان گفتی : ...   .
مادر چشمت باشم، خوابت باشم، آبی زنگارت باشم به روح خوابم
ولی باشم
از میان دست های تو باشم
پر هایت را کشیدی رفتی
مادر رفتی
گفتی: "خسته است" ... رفتی
بودی، بودم
رفتی، زنگار خسته بودم
رفتی
+++

مادر، باز که آمدی آبی بودی با تبت
مادر بیا که باشم
با تبم، تبت باشم
مادر تبت را که آغوش گرفتم صندوقچه شد تنت
مادر قلبم نقره شد به رفتنت
+ + +

مادر بخواب
مادر بگیر
مادر آ آ آ ...
+ + +

باز خرخره ام را آبی ات سه بار می گیرد
تا که گفتی: پوشده بود
 تا که گفتی ...
 زنگار بلوزش سه بار می گیردم ...
مادر خرخره ام را رفتنش می گیردم


پروشات کلامی
مارچ ۲۰۰۳
کالیفرنیا



Sunday, September 12, 2010

"ای وای مادرم"۱ و فراموشی

"ای وای مادرم"۱ و فراموشی


  امشب چشمم فراموشی هوس کرده و "ای وای مادرم" خرخره ام را فشار می دهد.
می ریزم:
_ یکی بود، یکی نبود، غیر از خدا.... - مادر گشتم نبود! -
اشیاء از گلو گاهم سر می خورند مثل واسط روحم
  زیر گنبد را می ریزم :

- مادر! زیر میز شیشه ای...-
مادر، کاشی ای را می ریزم که نفت پاکش نکرد.
همان جایی که من هنوز خاطره ای از بدخشان داشتم.
-  کنار دیوار زیر میز شیشه ای!  -

* * *

مسافتها که می روند، زیر پایم شیار های حافظه را تجربه می کنم
.خرخره ام را "مادر می ریزم" فشار می دهد.
- زیر گنبد کبود، یه قوطی بود... -
. می ریزم: "ای وای مادرم" امشب چشمم سرا شیب هوس کرده و خانه.

* * *

، من گنبد و رنگش را،
. من بعد از "غیر از خدا" را گشتم نبود.
  مادر، یک چیزی خرخره ام را فراموش کرده، گشتم نبود!
  - مادر گشتم، نبود... ساعت  سه است به وقت شما- !

، مادر! وقت من وقت خانه است،
، وقت من وقت گشتن تو است،
، وقت من وقت خورش های قیمه تو است،
، مادر! وقت من میان خرخره ام،
؛ مادر! خانه چشمم را پر کرده؛

: می ریزم:
- یکی بود، (من نبودم( ، زیر گنبد کبود، غیر از خونه، هیچی نبود! -

* * *

! اما زیر گنبد اینجا،همه چیز بود!
! خانه نبود!


پروشات کلامی
چهارشنبه سوری ۱۳۷۶

مارس ۱۷ ۱۹۹۸
دیویس، کالیفرنیا

۱ شهریار، "ای وای، مادرم"



Sunday, September 05, 2010

پدرم وقتی من نبودم، مرد

پدرم وقتی من نبودم، مرد!
! دیر رسیدم
یادت هست وقتی پیشبند بستم افتادم؟
 ‎' شقیقه ها یت را پس که دست بکشد؟ ‎'
یادت هست؟
هر بهمن قلبم تیر کشید وقتی یادم آمد "چونان برادری بر مرگ گرگ گریستی در هفت سالگی".
!بهمن ها اینجا برف نیست ولی من قلبم یخ میزند -

* * *

مادرم گفت، پدرم  من که نبودم مرد
یادم نیست
هیچ حافظه ای از بویی ندارم که ناگهان من را در گهواره ی کودکیم ... شاید نمرده باشد!
یادم نیست که آیا پدرم دوست داشته غذایش را با قشر لذت بخشی از فلفل؟
- تو دوست دآشتی، یادت هست؟
آمده بودم که لایه های قشر لذت بخش را رنگین کنم به طرز آن  اسپسیبا ی عجیب!
"آمدم حیرت کنی از قشر لذت بخش های من، های های من!

* * *

یادت هست گفتی از بهمن قرمز سیر نمی شوی؟ یادت هست؟ سیر شدی!  یادت هست؟
آیا تو هم؟ آری تو هم! ... " عجب! "

* * *

"درد هم کشید؟" نپرسیدم، گفت از صندلی چرخدار و عفو، نکند او نکند؟
‎" یادت هست پیشبندی را که تو حلقه زدی آن بالا؟ "

* * *

از نه سال پیش خوراک های تند در قلبم می چرخند به سبک انگشتان تو!
یادت هست پدرم را که در حافظه ی من هیچ شکلی شبیهش پیدا نمی شود؟
آیا پدرم می دانست دخترش برای یک بدخشانی آبی کهن، نفس هایش را یک یک می شمارد همراه شعر هایش؟
آیا پدرم می دانست در مردنم چیزی ست از چشم هایی که هنگام بی خوابی، پر خون، تا به تا می شوند؟
آیا پدرم می دانست "دیگر بر نمی گردم" گرفته بود مرا وقتی که شرق از چشمم  چکید روی دست خدا؟
آیا پدرم می دانست خدا را صدا کردم که ... ؟

* * *

یادم نیست!
دیر رسیدم!

* * *

من فقط حافظه ی کجی دارم از چشم های گوشه کرده ای که هنوز وقتی نگاهشان می کنم ، قشر فلفل لایه لایه می شود!
من فقط حافظه ی موربی دارم از شقیقه هایی شرقی که شرق شرق ، گرده هایم را  راه راه کرده اند!
من فقط قلبی دارم که از دیشب تا به حال نمی داند پدرش از او چگونه ممکن بود ... ؟

* * *

مادرم گفت پدرم وقتی من نبودم مرد!
دیر رسیدم!





پروشات کلامی

۱۳۸۰-- ۲۷ خرداد  

تهران

Thursday, August 26, 2010




تقدیم به رویا تفتی،
 برای محمد نوری و "نیو مانگ"

رویا


امشب به احترام سکوت
به قول رویا خواهم کرد
* * *
امشب به احترام رویا، صدای سکوتش را دیدم که  یداله رویایی هم بله؟! 
-- رویا! وقتی امر به مردن مرگمان می کردی، می دانستی که مردی هست که وسوسه ی امر کردن می کند؟ 
-- رویا! وقتی گفتی چه کنم، آیا می دانستی که مردی هست "چه کنم" مرگش را گرفته است؟
* * *
امشب به احترام سه حادثه چند ساعت دیر ، صبر می کنم!  
امشب در میان صداهایی که به گوشم سکوت می ریزند به ماه نو نگاه می کنم! 
امشب در میان صبر چند ساعته ی رویا، رویای را هم دیر می کنم! 
(دیر کردم) 
امشب بعد از قل خوردن از میان سکوت محترمم دیدم "شب پریشان می خرامد" اما از میان قل خوردنم. 
امشب دیدم سعید در جایی رویا را رویایی کرده است! 
امشب دیدم "در خاموشی های ساحل" در میان ریزش سکوت این صداهای سرد!
* * *
امشب "دیگر خاموشی ست" چند بار صبرم را شکست! 
* * * 
امشب به احترام ماه نو، رویا سکوت کردم! 
* * *
امشب به قول رویا... 
امشب به قول...
امشب...
شب...
ب...
...

پروشات کلامی
دهلی نو، هند،  
آگوست ۲۰۱۰ 


Wednesday, April 28, 2010


طهارت ار نه به خون جگر کند حافظ

به قول مفتی عشقش درست نیست نماز



جا ا ا ا ن جگر!


گفت: جان جگر!
با لهجه ای که از هفت قرن پیش تا کنون به بکارت بیست و شش سالگی ام بود!
گفت: جان جگر! وقتی به خونم وضو از رستن گاه مو تا زیر چانه
گفت: "تیک ا چه"
با جانی که جگرم را به مفتی عشق داد از هفت قرن پیش تا کنون!
گفت: سیلاب های موسمی!

***

جگرم خون شد!

***

گفت سیلاب موسمی اش التماس کرده بود به ماندنش
جگرم سیلاب وضو شد که این بار احرام ببندم به کعبه جانش
قبل از اینکه یک بار دیگر با لهجه ی باکره اش...
و بکارت لهجه اش باز جان جگرم شد برای وضوی تنهایی ام
و بکارت هفت صد ساله اش صدای اجداد جانم بود به شهادتم...

***

مفتی عشق گفت: وضو ببند! ... سیلاب موسمی اش این بار در میان جگرت خواهد بارید!

***

و سیلاب موسمی بعد از سکوت،
جگرم را شست،
جانم را شست
مفتی ی عشقم را ولی از زبان حافظ فرا خواند که باکره ی هفت صد ساله ام را طهارت دهد.

***

لهجه ی باکره اش به سبک بیست و شش سالگی ام صدایم می زند:
-- جا ا ا ا ن!

***

چشمم ، جگرش را تار می بندد
چشمم خطهای "طهارت ار نه به خون" جگرش را تار می بندد...
چشمم هفت صد سالی هست تار می بندد!


***

گفت: سیلابهای موسمی اش...
گفتم: I should stop seeing you!



۲۰ نوامبر ۲۰۰۴
شنبه ، برکلی، کالیفرنیا
پروشات کلامی



Saturday, April 24, 2010


اما شدم!


در پی تقدیر نبودم، اما...
ای کاش تروریست هم نبودم!

اینبار که بدرخشد،
نیشخند بزرگی میشود،
اما...
ای کاش تقدیر نبودم!

این بار که بترساندم، ترور می شوم،
اما...

ای کاش!

***

گفتند اگر بروی همه چیز عوض میشود،
شد!
گفتند اگر بروی و بدرخشی...!
نشد!
و درخشش ریشخند بزرگی شد بر ترس از آنکه نبودم،
اما شدم!



۲۳ مه ۲۰۰۷
برکلی، کالیفرنیا
پروشات کلامی

نشستم


نشستم!
همان جایی که مادر هند در جای دیگری جاری می شد
همان جایی که تو شعر را زبانم کردی
همان جا...

***

نشستم،
همان جایی که تو هنوز تلخ نبودی،
همان جایی که هند هنوز قند پارسی را له له می زد،
نشستم!
(شعر زبانم باز شد)
نه!
(شعر باز زبانم شد)
...
(زبانم به شعر بازی شد)

***

این بار قهوه ی تنها،
این بار نیمه اش بی آب جوش،
این بار...
نشستم!


۲۸ فوریه ۲۰۰۵
پروشات کلامی
دانشگاه برکلی، کالیفرنیا

Thursday, April 08, 2010

A Dream

A Dream


A big street. So wide that if I wanted to cross, I had to wake up

A window, all the way up in a building

So high, that if I wanted to count, I had to wake up

Above that building, a room

A small room

A gramophone case, with a black and red chequered cover, with small discs,

Not the famous ones

A picture on the wall, so beautiful that if I wanted to see, I had to wake up

A song, like the grandmother’s when she was stirring the soup

So gentle that if I wanted to listen, I had to wake up

A pillow, so wet and salty that I woke up.

Not the song did from my salty pillow fall,

Nor did my grandmother’s song



May 15th 09 Stoke-on-Trent

Proshot

Artwork: Oppressiō, Copy Right Siros Art, 05 December 2009

Monday, February 15, 2010

" ط " و " ت "


" ط " و " ت "



به جای طناب، طیاره طلب می کنم!
........................................ آمین!

و یک دعا به زبان عربی!
و یک دعا به زبان بیگانه!
و یک دعا به زبان...
و یک زبانی که بندم آورده،
و یک زبانی که دارنده ی همه ی دعا هاست،
و یک دعا یی به زبان ضربانم میان گم شده اش
....................................................... بطلب!
گفت: زوالطنابم ای طالب طناب!
......................................
باید عربی درست یاد می گرفتم!


پروشات
اولین نگارش: ژوان ۲۰۰۵ برکلی
باز نویسی: فوریه ۲۰۱۰ انگلستان

Sunday, December 13, 2009

به سیگار بهمن ناز-

با نازی كه نازکانه یادگار نازنین روزهای رفته ام را...
با نازی كه روزهای قدیم...
با نازی قدیم...

-- این بهمنه ؟
-- میخواین؟

با نازی نازکانه ای نازنین،

-- این بهمنه؟

و آیا این بوی غریب كه می کشدم،
كه می کشدت،
كه می کشد!

+ + +

کشته شدم به ناگهانی بهمنی ساکت كه از نازکی نازنینت نازل شد
کشته شدم!
" --این بهمنه؟" چنان کشیدم كه راستی چشمهای لرزانم نازک شد.
نازک شدنم،
ای ناز! به نازکانه بهمنت!
و چقدر این دم کشنده، نسیم مرگبار روزهای قدیمم را جلو می کشد
و چقدر این جلو کشیدن جانم به مرگباری روزهای این جلوست!

-- شما ها خوبید؟
-- شما ها ... این روز ها...
-- شما ها ...

و "آنها" ی شان "شما ها" ی من شد
در راستای کشیده شدنم به آن سوی آبهای ناز
ای سرو ناز كه نازکانه روزگار قدیمم را زار میزنی
زار میشوم
زار می زنم
و زار زار روزهای بی روزگار قدیمم لا به لای دود بهمن تو
به بهمن من
به بهمنی كه رفتم
به بهمنی ...

+ + +

بهمن سرخ
فقط بهمن سر بالایی شادی بود
بهمن سرخ
بهمن روزگار قدیمم بود كه رازشان را امروز با نازکانه ی یادت زار می زنم
بهمنم ۱۴ سال پیش در برفهای سربالایی شادی آب شد.
۱۴ سال پیش...

+ + +

-- این بهمنه؟


۱۳ دسمبر ۲۰۰۹
Anandagram
دهلی
هند
پروشات ‎ کلامی
تقدیم به گروه بازی كه همه خیلی سیگار میکشند!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

STATE (OF MIND) AND SPACE: CONFLICTED SPHERES IN IRAN



All rights reserved by author.
If you need to quote or post, please ask for permission. Thank you.




2009 BRISMES Annual Conference
“FRONTIERS: SPACE, SEPARATION AND CONTACT IN THE MIDDLE EAST”
School of Languages, Linguistics and Cultures (SLLC)


STATE (OF MIND) AND SPACE:
CONFLICTED SPHERES IN IRAN



In 1933, Iranian filmmaker Abdolhosein Sepanta made the first Iranian talkie the Lor Girl. It is about a provincial gypsy girl who falls in love with a city man. On her way to the city, however, she is faced with numerous roadblocks that need to be overcome. Iranian cinema itself has followed a similar fate. Mohsen Makhmalbaf in his film Once Upon A Time, Cinema tells an allegorical tale of the artistic burden of the Iranian filmmakers who thrived under the surveillance of the monarchy and then, after the Revolution, a fundamentalist regime.

Many Iranian intellectuals believe that in 1979 their ideals, along with the revolution, were hijacked by the fundamentalists, leading into the founding of a radical Islamic state. In the first part of this presentation I will investigate and explore how the political and ideological conflicts of Iran as a nation have been translated into the cinematic depiction of individual and domestic spaces, hence defining and shaping the internal anatomy of Iranian cinema as a mode of public expression in lieu of freedom of speech. And later, I shall explore how the struggle that was taken up by filmmakers within the frames of their manufactured simulacra, has extended itself into the spheres of public performance in the spectacle of digital photographs and amateur video footage. The vernacular these filmmakers express themselves in is the language that was very much derived from a poetic sense of expression. However, the same language has undergone a significant change in recent days that is worthy of discussion.

The production code that was originally drafted during the early years of cinema in Iran, made sure that the new art cannot criticise the throne and the aristocracy, as well as the clergy. After the revolution, the production code became even more rigid about revealing women’s hair and proscribing images suggestive of or showing physical contact between sexes. When one is betrayed by one’s own homeland, one’s own people and ideals, one’s identity turns into an embattled space of polarised yet dialogic conflict. This raises the problematic of representation. A problematic of this order manifests itself most excessively in places where gender roles and gender definitions are jeopardised. An immediate space in which the biggest lie about gender perception is at large is the domestic sphere.

Such limiting ideological prohibitions have forced directors like Abbas Kiarostami to seek less direct (hence, more metaphoric/symbolic) ways of portraying this conflict. Kiarostami’s 10 Ten, located and filmed entirely inside a car, focuses on domestic struggles between men and women in Islamic Iran. Such a depiction of domestic conflicts, contained within the suffocating space of a car (instead of the ‘real’ domestic space which could not be filmed in any case), renders a wholly new dimension to the definition of domestic conflicts. Gender politics contends subversively with the restrictive religious rules that interfere with the very practice of filmmaking as a means of socio-aesthetic expression in contemporary Iran. As a result, the audience never gets to see any couples together in Kiarostami’s film; rather, they travel with a woman who sews together the scattered shreds of her life, meandering her way across the streets of Tehran. It is as if the city itself is jam-packed into her car, crushing her freedom, her role as a woman -- a mother and at the same time a divorcée who has just remarried. This almost non-spatial ‘space’ provides a fresh dimension to the impossible representation of the fraught domestic sphere in Iranian cinema.

A handful of Iranian filmmakers, including the successful female filmmaker Rakhshan Bani Etemad, bring the private into public zone. In her Under the Skin of the City, where her objective is to show the dynamics of a thriving working class family, she locates them in the jungle of the highways of metropolitan Tehran. The mother feeds her children without making any physical contact while they all are hemmed in inside a borrowed car. This is an ordinary moment of everyday life that can turn into a lie if placed inside the space of a house. Therefore, Bani Etemad, in her effort to avoid lying, has her actors enact the intimate sphere of the private, inside a car, if only to lose them among thousands in the city. Or she turns the metaphoric lens of her camera towards signs and hints between lovers who cannot touch each other. When the young man finally shouts, “I love you” into the empty space of Tehran’s skyline through the window of a lift, Bani Etemad brings the public to the private space of his unspoken love. She risks the “real” to tell the stories of social conflicts at different levels. Less poetic than Makhmalbaf or Kiarostami, Bani Etemad keeps her eye on the social space of the Iranian conflict.

Less imaginative than Bani Etemad, in his usage of poetic and metaphoric vernacular of Iranian cinema, is Davoud Mirbagheri, who focuses on the conflict of Iranian individuals desiring to leave the nation in search of brighter futures. His Snowman portrays the psychological state of an Iranian man, an émigré hopeful and investigates the relation between Iran, as the source of national conflicts, and its citizen. The protagonist, ashamed of his nationality, wants to escape to the United States. But as a man his chances of getting a visa are less than slim. He is willing to trade his identity, even his gender, to be accepted by the greatest symbol of the west in Istanbul, Turkey, the US Embassy. The film is strategically located and filmed in Turkey, a country located in the social, cultural and political interstices of Asia and Europe. While Snowman puts an Iranian citizen palpably at the crossroads of international conflict and identity crisis, many other Iranian filmmakers, focusing on domestic issues, are fearful of recreating any real domestic sphere, since domestic space cannot be replicated ‘as-is’ in cinema due to Islamic laws and restrictions.

These different films represent the numerous attempts being made by Iranian filmmakers to surpass/subvert/circumvent their artistic and social conflicts with the state, a strategic undercutting to not only survive, but continue to explore and expand the definition of the endangered (often also engendered) individual and domestic space in contemporary Iranian cinematic expression.

As Kiarostami testifies to the power of imagination and dream one will realise the fundamental presence of imagination as the vessel through which to speak the otherwise unspeakable trauma that the Iranian artist is constantly contending with. This is the preformed simulacra in contemporary Iranian cinema—what Jean Baudrillard calls, “the generation by models of a real without origin or reality: a hyperreal… the map that precedes the territory… the map that engenders the territory.” Here the simulacra is fighting for survival in the space fabricated by the filmmaker who has been struggling since the 1979 Revolution. Tahineh Milani, another leading female filmmaker, was arrested for making The Hidden Half in 2001. A number of films have been banned from screening till date or rendered ineffective through severely limited and/or censored releases.

But, beyond cinema, there is a further performance that is not fabricated, but is nonetheless a simulation, not directed by any filmmaker. And that is the present space of the Iranian people’s conflict with the state machinery where Baudrillard’s semiosis points at the simulacrum. Baudrillard, citing from the Book of Ecclesiastes, asserts that “the simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth—it is the truth which conceals, that there is none. The simulacrum is true.”

Up until 12th June, the Iranian filmmaker had risked his or her life to tell the tale of their subjects’ traumatic experience under the dictatorship of the fundamentalist regime, using the poetic cinematic language. Suddenly, the erstwhile subjects, but those that are behind the multitude of cameras are recomposing their new vernacular in their own blood. It was impossible for me to present my paper without acknowledging this magnificent change that is in the making, that we still are trying hard to make sense of, that we hope to move against all odds in the direction that we all desire it to go. It is the larger frame of the space within which Iranian identity is being shaped that can render full meaning to what I prepared months ago, for this conference. The frontier (or even the frontman) is no longer the Iranian filmmaker or his/her probing camera. The ones that have taken the conflict between the citizens and the state to a different level by the means of digital and virtual dissemination, constitute the new frontier.

12th June was the measure in time, the signifier of the sign, when Iranian identity within the larger narrative of ‘Iranian’-ness was morphed into the look and the location of their presence in the multitudes of their cyber images. When the vernacular was shifted and its every vertebrae was redefined through spores of poor quality mobile videos, the space of Iranian identity reached its closest to the truth of the real simulacrum within the virtual terrain of cyberspace. The defiance of these “videographers” forced the cyberspace to reshape itself to accommodate this strong force of existence that has been mobilised in a democratic act. YouTube altered the functionality of its CitizenTube to facilitate millions of Iranian users whose access to the internet can be problematic. Facebook and Google devised ways of accommodating this wave of users who are not using these tools to just see their friend’s honeymoon pictures. These were people who became who they are in Google search pages, in Facebook postings, on YouTube and in Twitter. Iran’s image, as a result is at its closest to “reality” these days within this virtual space. The Caspian Sea and Persian Gulf, the borderlines with Turkey and Iraq, Pakistan and Afghanistan do not anymore define the location of this nation. Iran is located in every twit of millions of Twitter users, in every post of millions of Facebook subscribers, in every shaky clip of recent events of Iran on YouTube. Iran is re-shaping the very concept of photo-journalism and documentary films as frontiers in Civil Rights Movement in the age of virtual reality.

What my paper initially talked about was the space and state of Iran in Iranian cinema before 12th June 2009. That was when the filmmaker shot his or her subject through their artistic lens to tell their tales in symbols and signs, in metaphor and poetry. Post-12 June, the former “subject”, the sujet, is behind the camera, and the filmmaker is shifted his/her place by becoming the subject. Now, Makhmalbaf’s image is being disseminated in many spores of mobile video digits over blogs, YouTube and Facebook pages. Today, those behind the camera cannot afford to use the language of metaphor and symbols. They make symbols. They become symbols. They make Neda. They become Neda. They show bloody female bodies carried by men, they show all that they were not supposed to show. They show all that Kiarostami, Makhmalbaf, Bani Etemad, Majidi, Beizaie, Milani and many more, could not ever show.

In the films I discussed, I argued that the subjects (Iranian citizens who are actors, enacting an Iranian condition) are posing in front of the shooting camera to assume another body for themselves. They translate themselves in advance into an image. But the virtual images of Iranians who have been shot, twice, once by the brutal bullet of the statesmen, and then by the camera, are the vernacular with no need to be translated or assumed.

In pictures we have seen, at times the subjects on the streets of Tehran, pose willingly for the camera while knowing too well what may become of them if they are identified by the state. By risking their lives, they are defining the space of moving and still images. These images, in their own turn are defining the space of conflict, configuring the civil rights, establishing freedom of speech, looking the dictatorship in the eye. The concept of the “frontier” in the Middle East is defined anew. Hamid Dabashi in his recent article, “People Power” in Al-Ahram suggests that “[a]ll Arab and Muslim potentates ought to know that their young are watching events in Iran with a keen interest. It is not only Iranians that are wired to Facebook and Twitter, so are their brothers and sisters around the globe, throughout the Arab and Muslim world. ” It is apparent that people who are on the street to claim their civil rights are aware of the presence of multitudes of cameras. They are aware that in seconds the reality they are living and bleeding, are going to turn into their virtual reality. Their image in every second is multiplied in cyber space every time a viewer clicks. In addition to this, there are moments of life and death when the subject is not posing to be killed, but is being shot, not for the camera, nonetheless, the camera is shooting. That is the moment of innocence, the moment of truth, if truth can be defined in this sense, close to the way in which Baudrillard would have read it. Death in the space of these moving pictures and photographs captures us as it does in life. Neda was the symbolic representation of that moment. This woman in her virtual life became the frontier of the civil rights movement, her image, her running blood and her wandering gaze before she left, all captured by number of mobile phone cameras and amateur cameras. The blast of this embryologic morula is the spectacle that is going to be lived anew in every click of every viewer on the net. Dabashi in the same article warns us that “young Arabs and Muslims around the globe are not immune to the demands young Iranians are exacting at the heavy cost, courageously exposing their bare chests against the bullets and batons of tyranny.” And this is the new, the post-12th June phase of the conflict between the state and the individual’s space, the site of trauma lying at the heart of Iranian identity.

I would like to end my presentation with a quote from Roland Barthes:

What the Photograph reproduced to infinity has occurred only once: the Photograph mechanically repeats what could never be repeated existentially. In the Photograph, the event is never transcended for the sake of something else: the Photograph always lead the corpus I need back to the body I see; it is the absolute Particular, the sovereign Contingency matte and somehow stupid, the This (this photograph and not Photography), in short, what Lacan calls the Tuché, the Occasion, the Encounter, the Real, in its indefatigable expression.”


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  1. Jean Baudrillard, Simulations, New York, Semiotext(e), 1983, p. 2.
  2. Baudrillard, Jean, Book of Ecclesiastes in Simulacra & Simulations, Stanford University Press, 1998, p. 166.
  3. Dabashi, Hamid, “People power,” Al-Ahram weekly on-line, 25 June - 1 July 2009, Issue No. 953Issue No. 953
  4. Dabashi, Hamid, “People power,” Al-Ahram weekly on-line, 25 June - 1 July 2009, Issue No. 953Issue No. 953
  5. Barthes, Roland Camera Lucida: Reflections of Photography, Hill and Wang, New York, 1981, p. 4.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

آقای رئیس جمهور

آقای رئیس جمهور
تقدیم به رخشان بنی اعتماد

۸ ژوئن ۲۰۰۹

آقای رئیس جمهور!


دقیقه های اینترنت

این تصاویر گریزان

- مالیت مصرف شده برای زنان

دقیقه های درد

دقیقه های نگفته ی اینترنت

+++

این روزها دقیقه های دغدغه ام لا به لا این

page ها


این روزها دقیقه
های نفسم به
"klick"

این روزها دغدغه ی "ساعت چند است به وقت تهران؟"

این روزها دغدغه ام رخشان شد میان
ها page

و به رخشانیش اعتماد کردم

و در لحظهٔ "کلیک" بود که یادم آمد زندانی شدهام

و در لحظهٔ رخشان زن اینترنتی بود...

-قانون طلاق چی، آقای رئیس جمهور؟

-قانون حق چی آقای رئیس جمهور؟

-قانون من چی آقای رئیس جمهور؟

+++

بهشت بود، میدانی؟

بهشت تنگی بود که در و دیوارش کهنه بود و نمور

اما بهشت بود

آقای رئیس جمهور! بهشتم که تنگ شد، دغدغهٔ زنانه ام یادم آمد

آقای رئیس جمهور!

زنانگی ام زیر قانون طلاق، دغدغهٔ اینترنتی رخشان شده است

آقای رئیس جمهور!

+++

فرار کردم!

فرار کردیم

بدون هویت اصلی

بدون بهشت،

فرار کردیم.

++++

آقای رئیس جمهور!

اینجا زنی هست
زندانی

*
page* های اینترنتی ،

شاید

شاید،

شاید،

شاید،

اینجا زنی هست خجالت میکشد

اینجا زنی هست که امروز ناگهان دغدغه زنانه اش رخشان شد

اینجا زنی هست که میخواست در بهشت کوچکش، گمنام، قدم بزند

راه برود،

حرف بزند،

غذا بخورد.

آقای رئیس جمهور!

اینجا زنی هست که میخواهد باشد.

اینجا زنی هست مثل همهٔ زنها ی دیگر، زندانی دغدغه های زنانه اش،

بدون هویت؛

می نشیند،

فحش میدهد،

نفرین میکند،

ضجه میزند.

اما، آقای رئیس جمهور، شما برای زنانگی اش چه زنجیر زیبایی زیور میبندید؟

اینجا زنی هست، با مادرش , که میخواست راه برود

سفر کند

زندگی کند،

دخترش را بزرگ کند،

دخترش را شوهر بدهد.

اینجا دختری هست که شوهرش دادند،

زندگی نکرد،

راه نرفت.

قا یم شد!

حرف نزد، و بهشتش را داد برای حقوق وکیل.

+++

دقیقه های اینترنتی، حقوق وکیل

دقیقه های اینترنتی ی رخشان، زنان بی بهشت

دقیقه های اینترنتی دردش، که به درد زنان بی بهشت می چسبد،

درد میکند.

+++

آقای رئیس جمهور!

بهشت گم شده ام را میخواهم راه بروم،

بهشت گمشده ی مادرم را میخواهم راه بروم

+++

من هنوز صدا ی سکه ها ی قهوه ای رنگ ته کیفم...

من هنوز صدا ی پشت سر، یک سایه ی مشکوک، تهدید به مرگ...

من هنوز منها ی بدهی به وکیل

من هنوز بدون هویت ایرانی

من هنوز بدون ...

+++

بهشت را ول کردم... فرار کردیم... دوتا ییی

عاشق شدم!

مادرم گفت: عشق را قایم کن! زنی!

مادرم گفت: نمیگوییم! بد است!

مادرم گفت: مایه ی شرمندگی! نگو!

مادرم گفت: ...

عاشق شدم، بدون هویت ایرانی...

-این ماه گذشت... قسط بعدی... صدا ی سکه ها ی خورد ته کیفم!

+++

در بهشت راه نرفتم،

حرف نزدم،

نگاه نکردم،

هیچ چیز نخوردم

فرار کردیم!

عاشق شدیم!

آقای رئیس جمهور! عشقم عاشق عشق ایرانیم شد!

آقای رئیس جمهور! عشقم نمی داند بهشت کودکیم چه رنگی دارد!

آقای رئیس جمهور! عشقم میخواهد در کوچه ای با من راه برود که برای اولین بار عاشق شدم

آقای رئیس جمهور! عشقم میخواهد در بیمارستانی که مادرم درد کشیدو در دنیا را بر روی دخترش گشود،

درد بکشد.

آقای رئیس جمهور!

+++

آقای رئیس جمهور!

من از شما شناسنامه ام را می خواهم،

من از شما رنگ بهشت بچگی ام را می خواهم

من از شما دست همسرم را در دستم زیر درختها ی چنار تهران می خواهم

من از شما زن بودنم را میان زنان اینترنتی رخشان می خواهم

+++

دقیقه ها ی اینترنتی زنانگی ام...

دغدغه ها ی زنانگی ام...

نفرین

ضجه

درد

آه

+++

آقای رئیس جمهور!



پروشات کلامی

۸ ژوئن ۲۰۰۹

انگلستان


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Kolkata Revisited


August 8th, 2008

Kolkata Revisited (which is not Calcutta any more, by the way!)

Before I start, let me set one thing strait. I am not cut for this. Uh, uh! No! A lot of people travel to this part of the world, many frequent this place, some even choose to stay here for… well, ever (don’t ask me why, they do!). Well, they don’t tell you that of 365 days of a year, they are blessed with various types of puke and diarrhoea for almost 300 days of it. And if they get seriously ill they go back to their countries, get treated and then return again to get sick, once more. However, once you live here—I mean living, not just taking a fancy airplane, staying at a comfy hotel, travelling with AC taxies, and visiting Taj Mahal or some other famous temples—you begin to discover some perverted desire, a sort of attachment, lurking inside you! It somehow tells you to stay even more and get even closer—the clinical name for this tropical syndrome is “masochism”. It is like those Fakirs in Tintin books who stare at you and then you become their slave! You wonder how it happens? I tell you, if I can remember!

If you want to have a thorough visual and auditory picture of mayhem all you need to do is visit Calcutta. It is big, it is nasty, it is dirty, it is polluted, it is overcrowded, it is noisy and overwhelming, yet… it is amazing! How did I find that out? With difficulty, and perhaps the help of the over-powering Fakir in a Tintin book!

We had to go to Calcutta from Bangladesh to do some audio recording. We were to stay there only for a few days. The plan was to return to Dhaka in early August, and then again to Kushtia, the village of wonders. We decided to take the plane, although there is a bus as well as an overnight train. Put the blame of contributing to air pollution on me. I am a bit of a coward when it comes to crossing borders! We have been told that if we take the bus from Kushtia, we need to get off the bus near the Bangladesh border, literally walk through the no-man’s-land while the Bangladeshi porters carry our luggage up to a certain point. From there we would have to keep walking on our own for a few steps to meet with Indian porters who would now come and carry our luggage into the Indian part of the no-man’s-land until we reached the point where the Indian immigration can receive us! Then we will be searched and put on another bus, an Indian one. I told myself, “You know, it sounds adventurous, reminds me of Casablanca, but honey I am no Humphrey Bogart or Ingrid Bergman. Keep the adventure aside for those who need it. I need to feel a tiny bit safe!” So came the decision of taking the plane where I flew with fresh carcass of a golden/auburn cockroach lodged in front of my seat—who must have boarded the plane gratis—right beside the folding tray. The sight of it was enough to think twice about the sandwich they were serving. I also had to tear up a piece of newspaper to fix the window of the Biman Air Fokker (yes, I met a Fokker!) I was flying in. I wonder how much the plane would sell for had it been auctioned off at Sotheby’s New York, for its high ‘relic’ value. For those of you who have not had the chance to fly with Fokker, google it! Relic value of the aircraft and its condition notwithstanding, the flight was also made unique by one of the air stewards who (oddly, sitting right next to us in a seat that happened to be free) did not bother to fasten his seat belt during the take off and landing. In short, I was relieved when we landed alive in Calcutta. I wondered if it was actually safer to cross the no-man’s-land on foot!

There it was, the city, the city of postcolonial resentment, the city of many forgotten and detested palaces, the city that gave birth to many geniuses, the city that is giving birth every day to many innocent children who will inevitably get drowned in this boiling ocean of humans. It welcomed us with an overwhelming smell of diesel, rotten trash and summer moisture, all mixed up in a severe attack on the olfactory part of our nervous system. Nonetheless, sitting in a familiar car, driven by a familiar driver, in streets whose names were all music to my ears, suddenly it felt safe. For some strange reason I felt secure, a feeling similar to feeling at home… well, not exactly that but very close. I recognised some of the roads, some of the buildings, I even could remember when we would approach a smelly area and if I need to cover my nose with my gamchaa. I was invariably right in locating the scented areas! Felt so proud! It may sound weird or even kind of worrying, but I gradually felt a sense of kindness, assurance—mind you, this came in spite of the orchestra of smells and choreography of moving vehicles on the uneven roads and lunatic traffic. After living in Bangladesh (which is significantly cleaner and better managed), constantly thinking if it is ok to go out on the streets in what I am wearing, covering myself so that people (men, mostly) would not check my breast size, as if I am the one and only female creature around, being told by the rickshaw-wallah to keep silent while they blurt out the Azan over the loudspeakers in the local mosque… Calcutta suddenly looked democratic (in a weird way). It felt cosmopolitan; it felt like a city with history, with perception. It was then, in a magical moment that somehow its round and fat capital “C” turned into the pointed, elongated and proudly standing capital “K”. Somehow the sound of the sharp blade of the English “tt” turned into a soft “t” sound that can only come from a light and friendly touch of the tongue to one’s upper teeth from the inside. The city of mayhem and chaos suddenly stopped being Calcutta and became my Kolkata. I still had to cover my nose and mouth with my gamchaa, I still had to hang on to the seat of the car with my life for the fear of a car crash in its crazy traffic, I still saw the untouchables cleaning the sewage, I still saw many poor and hungry people. But they looked different this time. I couldn’t guess why it was so. I had to wait few more days to begin to realise that it was not the Fakir from Tintin’s book. It was none of those exotic things, alas! It was something real, alive and very much kicking!

We reached our destination, we went to the roof, it started drizzling slightly, and there was no one to tell us that we should not be seen on the roof uncovered, no one told Sudipto not to wear his shorts, no one objected when I did roam around in my tank top. There was no worry about us being seen in shorts or tank top. I felt a rediscovered sense of having my civil rights in place along with social respect. Is it what people call secularism? Is this democracy, riddled as it still is with an array of contradictions? Is this what’s missing in Bangladesh? I began to question freedom, democracy and secularism in a different light with a different perception, not an Iranian one, not an American one, not a British one, but with one that belongs to a world in which human right is a luxury, where hunger is a way of life for 80% of the population, where discomfort is not recognised, it IS the way of things, where cleanliness and education is indeed a luxury that even the middle class cannot afford to have. When I say education, I am talking about the necessary education that everyone needs to have in order to maintain a healthy standard of life, I am talking about classrooms without tyrannical teachers who torture students, I am talking about lecture rooms and seminars in which there actually is a DISCUSSION, where the lecturer is not God, but a human equal to his or her students. I began to think in Kolkata…

From the roof, I could often see the city skyline. A city that is running amok to copy the West without any rationale or sensibility. Western look-alike malls are being opened left and right; western chain franchises are popping up here and there. Prices of even domestic products in these posh shopping centres are at times higher that their counterparts in the US or Europe. While there is a conscious effort to import from the West, there is no effort to do something about the pollution, garbage collection, street cleaning and recycling, all of which are serious municipal problems indeed. The gravity of the blow came to me when some of my relatives took us to a newly opened shopping mall. It was a whole block mall with all American and European chains (even a Dollar Store!), anything you can imagine. It was sad to see that. I wondered how Gandhi would react to this giant of commercial globalisation! The mall was erected in lieu of a demolished factory, which consequently caused 5000 workers loose their jobs. I felt like a criminal walking in that mall. I ate there. I had a good time there with my relatives, but at the cost of many hungry mouths. Got sick once more that night and the next day! Was it the guilt or the shame, I wonder?!

While we were in India, there had been a number of politically charged terrorist blasts in different cities. Some Islamic group seemed to have claimed responsibility for that. I wonder if they could be more efficient and productive if they’d spent their energy in resolving their environmental issues, educational and health related problems that, at the end of the day, hit them all, Muslims and Hindus, with equal severity. They both get sick, they both have children who need education and childcare, they both live in the same city, breathing the same air. Is it too much to ask for love, for compassion and care? For how long should the precious lives of innocent people be taken for granted?

These questions ate me up from within while I carried on with our work. Writing my essay, working on the drawings, going to recordings, working with musicians, arranging lyrics and at the end of a working day, coming back to our room, dead tired. That is the precise time when all those worrying thoughts would rush in and steal my sleep away.

At times it was so easy to shut down the world around and just enjoy the recording sessions, enjoy the magic musicians created when they got to work together. We worked with four or five professional musicians all of a Bengali band, most of them young-ish, except one middle-age man who played the sarinda (a bow-and-strings instrument, similar to Kamancheh). He was a frail, bony man, who often sat silently in his corner with the headphone on and would humbly start to play with his thin and long fingers that would so easily slide over the strings, so innocently that the magical sound you’d hear from his sarinda would suddenly sound surreal. I was told that he was picked up one day by one of the professional musicians of the group from a train on which he used to peddle his talents. The simplicity of his life and his humble origins are in utter contrast to the complicated melody he offers. When he accompanied the dhol player—who is phenomenally great—the combination was just perfect. These were the little joys that could block me from the loud sound of misery of this city. For days, I hid in a corner, while they were busy playing, stared at them and drew my pictures. It was a privilege to be allowed to look at them (indefinitely) creating magic. The real joy was when they found my paintings of them a look alike, when they somehow conveyed their satisfaction in simple Bangla (so I could understand) and at times with one or two heavily accented English words. The world and its problems easily faded away during those hours.

Yet, there came nights, again and again, finding us alone in our room somewhat high from the achievement of our working days, when we often heard the ringing bells of the last rickshaw of the night being taken home by its fatigued puller, the fight between street dogs over a piece of food they found in the dump, the loud symphony of frogs in the nearby pond, celebrating the evening rain, chirping crickets, singing ticktickies, the hooting owl and the flutter of its wings under a starlit sky, sparkling glow-worms who shine like fading sparkles of fire, the faintly shimmering neon-lit edges of the sleeping skyline of the city… We often stayed up, enough to let the night sink in, let the neighbours all sleep, long enough to allow the darkness cover most ugly things. A few times we got lucky and got to walk in the rain on the roof in the dark of night. Do they feel lucky when it rains, those who sleep on the pavements?

We are selfish! We carry on with our work, deaf to the sound of life around us, safe and well fed in the city, the city I learnt to like as Kolkata.

Can one sleep soundly in Kolkata?


Proshot K.C.